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Wedding Invitation Etiquette: Should Kids Be Invited To Weddings?
I’ve been thinking about children at weddings. Some couples are completely against having children at their wedding, and some couples welcome the little tykes: to which camp do you belong? How would you plan a wedding? And how do you handle it come invitation time? I can only imagine that choosing not to have children attend the wedding means you’re also choosing not to have children be a part of the event.
The former group (the “no kids at weddings” group) generally wants to have a more formal affair, and would like to entertain their guests in a mature, 18+ over environment (and no, I don’t mean it like that), or would like their guests to be able to enjoy their evening without having to chase after or, worse yet, let Young Master and Young Miss run amok through the wedding.
I can understand that as one commenter (Mandy) at Rhi in Pink’s “My Wedding, My Rules” pointed out, “Guests don’t realize the way children change the atmosphere and, AND, that you pay per head no matter if that head is 2 feet or 6 feet off the ground.” It’s true, they do change the atmosphere quite a bit, although I can’t speak to the pay-per-head comment as I thought that didn’t always apply.
I’m not sure if parents who are offended by the exclusion of their children don’t realize that children change the atmosphere or if they simply expect everyone to appreciate the change and happily host their kids.
It’s an interesting conundrum as I’ve been to both types of weddings and I’ve often wondered what most people subscribe to as appropriate: there’s the popular belief that a wedding is a celebration for family and friends, aimed to give guests a good time, which may potentially clash with the belief that the wedding is of course, all about the couple. I’m certain that one’s wedding goals can make a significant difference in the budget of the event. For example, in some high-end weddings, families want their guests (with children) to enjoy the event and include babysitting and nursery services as part of the affair. Most of us, I’m assuming, can’t really afford to take that rather generously accommodating road.
The fact is, though, that in order to control your wedding costs, one of the best strategies is to cut down on your guest list, right? Which begs the question: how much from your high yield savings accounts are you willing to use for a one time event? Will you make special accommodations for certain groups of people at your wedding (e.g. little kids)?
Anecdotally ….
An old high school friend hosted a small wedding reception with about 100 guests a few weeks ago, and we spent half the evening dodging two 8 year old girls who were barreling through the reception hall, rolling on the floor, creeping around corners, and pouncing on guests. Sitting down to dinner, I had to be careful not to step on the fingers of the 2-year-old girl who was completely fascinated by my shiny Mary Janes; she kept sneaking up to pet them. Her 4-year-old sister was doing a census of all the female guests, grabbing hair, asking about their children, and in my case, poking my eye trying to check my ears for earrings.
I’m not saying that they should have been banned, but as an experience, it was more definitely akin to a mini-carnival than a night out on the town. It suited the nature of the bride and groom who are family oriented and not terribly formal to begin with. So perhaps there’s no hard and fast rule, and it all just depends on how you want your special wedding event to be like.
So what’s your take on inviting kids to weddings? What do you expect your wedding to be like; or for those who’ve already gotten hitched: did you have kids attend your special day?
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
My wife and I married about a year and a half ago. The only kids at our wedding were the three kids who were actually part of the ceremony, and they were very close family.
The main reason was, as you point out, cost–our wedding guest list was about 80 people big, and adding kids would have added 30-40 more mouths to feed, which was simply outside of our budget. So the choice was to cut 20-30 more people from the guest list, or simple exclude kids. We opted for the latter.
I can tell you that, for the most part, everyone was very understanding. The party ran late anyway, and for most people it was a good excuse to get out of the house without the kids.
Where we ran into problems were people who pushed the issue (a bit rude, if you ask me, and definitely a tough situation to tiptoe around). We decided to not make exceptions, since it would not have been fair to everyone else who couldn’t bring kids. Instead, we gave those who pushed resources for babysitters, to very subtly (lol) hammer the point home.
We’re not mean (I promise!), we just wanted to be fair to everyone, and not let the budget get out of control in the end.
“would like to entertain their guests in a mature, 18+ over environment” – This and overall costs consideration is really what should and will likely determine if kids will be permitted. Ultimately it is up to you to decide but you’ve got to make that decision with the understanding that not inviting kids may mean that some guest decline the invitation (maybe another reason to exclude kids?).
“two 8 year old girls who were barreling through the reception hall” – regardless of the event this kind of behavior should not be a happening unless you are hanging on a playground!
I think the only other heated argument besides this one is whether to invite more friends or allow the invited friends to bring guests.
At our wedding we rocked the no kid rule and some of the adults acted worse than the kids which were cut out…. lol
I feel that to have or not to have (children at the wedding) is, like everything else in weddings these days, totally up to the bride and groom. From who escorts the bride to who attends the big day to the attire of the wedding party, everything is up for grabs. Don’t you just LOVE it? It offers so many opportunities for creativity and uniqueness. (I’m down with the beige wedding!)
Of course, someone will get their nose out of joint (it’s not a wedding unless at least one person does) but that’s unavoidable.
We did invite kids to our wedding, because it was a primarily a family event, and it was fine – the kids amused themselves, and the location was such that they had room to run around. I can understand the kids issue both ways – bringing kids to a wedding means the parents have to, well, parent, but not inviting kids sometimes means that parents can’t come to the wedding, since they then have to look for child care alternatives.
My wife and I had a small wedding in our church’s chapel. I just told family and friends we were limited on space, and I did not think their would be room for kids. However, we did have a lady who watched the kids in a another part of the church.
Your wedding is for friends and family, so I think they will understand. Plus, in 2-3 years, will anyone remember?
My wife and I allowed kids to our wedding and reception. For the most part, we are casual people. Although we were all dressed up, our reception was as casual as our everday lives.
The food at our reception was buffet-style. So, technically, we didn’t pay per head. We paid for the amount of food that was there (equivalent to a certain number of adults). More specifically, we ordered 100 servings of food (we could have ordered whatever # of servings we wanted). Our crowd was about 150 including kids.
It should be up to the bride and groom to decide whether children should be invited to the wedding. They shouldn’t feel obligated to invite any people – children included – that they don’t want.
I’ve actually never heard of excluding children from a wedding. I wouldn’t do that myself. I think a “no kids” policy would be received very poorly in my family.
For my wedding it was more the matter of money, we have a large family and many friends and a tight budget. Family was allowed to bring their children (being related) and for our friends we simply had the parents name on the invitation. When asked by one family if their children were invited I had to say that budget was limited and there are a lot of children that are not family members that we would have to invite as well.
They seemed to understand the situation and I think in the end had a better time being free to enjoy the night as just a couple. We only invited close friends who knew us well enough that it was nothing personal. I truly believe the bride and groom get the right to say whether they want children at their wedding or not, because of money or not and the guests have a right to attend or not.
I think it depends on the immediate family. If your siblings have kids, it is tough to exclude them from the party. I enjoy kid free weddings more because I am not stuck chasing my kids around while wearing a suit, I can drink an extra drink (or two), talk to adults, and stay past 8.
I think a great alternative is to offer childcare at a fee for children under 12 (a teenager should be able to sit and enjoy the part for a few hours). I have been to a few weddings that had childcare at a nearby hotel. Made sense.
I guess the best thing to do is to consider who your guests are. My family is HUGE and it honestly wouldn’t be the same without the kids so they kids had better be there as they are a part of the family, regardless of age. Every wedding I’ve ever been to has included kids so I have no idea how it would be without kids but it’d be interesting to see if it’s more formal or sophisticated… But I mean if it is a financial matter, I’m sure your family/friends will understand.
My girlfriend and I have been having this conversation recently. We both come from families where children are almost always present at weddings. We’ve been discussing marriage and have agreed to not have children at our wedding. While this may offend a few of our family members, we feel that overall, we’ll have a better experience because of it.
I think it should be up to the bride and groom, as should everything about a wedding. Two issues I’d like to remind people about, as it just came up with my cousin’s wedding is a) if guests are coming from out of town, who is supposed to babysit the kids? b) if you have out of town guests and aren’t sure that there will be a sitter available or that the parents/kids will be comfortable with a stranger, let your guests know well in advance. In my case, I just happened to learn that I couldn’t bring my kids just a couple of weeks before my cousin’s wedding, even then it was just random luck that I found out. There were no sitters provided, we knew no one in the area that wasn’t part of the wedding party and I wasn’t going to leave my kids with a stranger. We ended up not going and eating the cost of the airline tickets. I totally respected that he and his wife didn’t want kids, but wished they had put that information on the “Save the Date” card and invitation (though the invitations came too late anyway as we had already bought our tickets).
I really liked this post. It is a difficult decision to make. But I think it is totally up to the Bride and Groom. It definitely saves money not having children at the wedding and yes, it definitely does change the atmosphere having kids at a wedding. I did not have kids when I got married so my wedding was a “no children” affair. Having recently taken my 2 small children to a wedding, I don’t think I will do it again (well at least until they are older)… even though there were lots of kids there, I found it very stressful trying to make sure my kids behaved well and didn’t make a noise.
I did not have kids at my wedding and was very thankful. We specifically put on the invite that children over 14 were invited. We did have some upset parents (and kids) but our wedding was at my parents’ home in their garden and my parents didn’t want to worry about where kids were running and where they were. I loved that “my” day truly was all about me and my sweet hubby. Besides, the weather gave everyone something to complain about–it was 90 degrees that day!
As a parent, I just want to KNOW. Put it on the invitation so I’m not surprised when I show up in a distant city, having arranged for childcare so I could travel to your wedding, and find that kids *were* invited where I assumed from the venue they were not – or even worse, show up with no childcare arranged and find that kids are not allowed.
And, whatever you decide – don’t throw a hissy fit if people don’t attend because of it. My budget only has a certain amount of travel and childcare in it and I may not feel like spending it on you.
Just don’t assume people know what you think you’re implying. I was really surprised this summer to be invited to a baby shower where kids were not allowed and a wedding reception at a fancy restaurant where kids were allowed – but it was because they were my partner’s friends and family and he’s from a different region, religion, and income level than I grew up with, so the rules are all different.
What is it with some parents these days who think their kids are welcome just about everywhere? When I was young, my mom would take me to the wedding ceremony, because she knew I loved to see the pretty bride and bridesmaids — but she never ever considered taking me to the reception afterwards. I know it’s hard for some parents to believe, but we often don’t think your kids are cute or funny. They’re just annoying and should not attend adult affairs.
I think it all depends on the situation, were it’s being hosted, budget etc. If the bride and groom would like to include children in the event that’s great, but if they decide not to include them then guests should understand.
There were no kids at our wedding because the event was limited to our very closest family and friends and there are no kids in that group. Easy.
I agree it’s up to the hosts (ie whoever’s paying) and it depends on the families involved. I personally don’t like kids at weddings or other formal events, but many women whose weddings I’ve attended LOVE them and wouldn’t feel like it was a wedding without tiny tuxes and dancing babies.
My 3 1/2 yr old daughter is invited to be a flowergirl my husbands cousins wedding. They are also going to have a ring bearer. Other than that, no other kids are invited.
I have two other kids, a 6yr old, and a 1 yr old, and they aren’t invited. They are very clear about the NO KIDS. I can’t get over how my other kids aren’t invited, (this is close family). They are even having other kids from out of town getting a babysitter. Why have kids in your wedding if your having a NO KIDS wedding!? How do I tell my other kids they aren’t invited, but their sister is. Also the people who would babysit for us will be at the wedding. We have never used a babysitter. Do we still let our daughter be in the wedding? Or should my husband just take her since its his cousin, and I stay home with my other two kids? This is a $40,000 wedding budget, so it isn’t like they are short of $$$$. It seems as they just really don’t want kids. I totally understand its THEIR day, but why have kids in your wedding, if its a NO KIDS party?! We had a HUGE Vegas wedding, it was up to everyone if they wanted to bring their kids, and some people did. I feel so torn!………..Any Opinions?
Most of the couples we deal with prefer to leave the kids out because it changes the entire setting of the wedding.
For my wedding, we were somewhat forced to have the kids included. It was either that or completely eliminate 50% of our family from the event. Fortunately, we found a way to maintain the atmosphere and keep the kids happy at the same time.
This decision should be entirely up to the couple and they should not be backed into a corner with this decision.
Great Post!
Personally, I have never been to a wedding where there are no kids running around, turning chairs over (sometimes tables too), crying, fighting, the works. I kind of like it that way, but that’s just me.
I’ve read a lot of forum posts on this subject and have to say that it really is down to the bride and groom. However, they should make it clear on the invitations or their wedding site, what their policy is. There are ways of getting across a ‘no children policy’ in a polite manner.
One of the comments that seems to come up time and time again, against such a policy is that not having children at a wedding is completely out of keeping with the ‘family unit’. But people should remember that not every bride and groom wants to become a ‘family’, there are couples out there who don’t want or can’t have children and to them, having children attend their wedding day would be completely inappropriate.
It’s also likely that some parents look forward to an adult day out where they can let their hair down and not have to worry about children all day.
If you’re a guest who isn’t allowed to bring your children to a wedding, please just respect the wishes of the bride and groom and try not to be offended.
K – I think it’s just plain wrong to invite some kids to a wedding and to exclude others, and to do that in one family makes it exclusionary and hurtful. Seems like they want your daughter as a prop to use how they want and are either unaware or don’t care about your other children. They should have at least offered for your two kids to be cared for by the sitter for oot kids, but still, it’s very possible your 6-year-old is going to feel left out and hurt. Why would two people want to start their life together with lots of hurt feelings?
Contrary to the belief made popular by bride magazines, the wedding is NOT only for the bride or bride and groom, the guests must be considered if the couple wants anyone to attend!
This is happening with us: A close family friend of 20 years is getting remarried in 4 weeks, 500 miles away. We knew about the upcoming wedding 6 months ago, and planned to make it a family vacation since there are 3 nights of festivities. We were very much looking forward to the wedding since there has been a lot of sadness in our family lately – I lost my dad 7 months ago, and my dear sister has been fighting a very aggressive cancer for the same amount of time. We just got the invitation to the wedding and our 12-year-old daughter is not invited. Our daughter has known our friend since he held her when she was 1 day old, and our daughter has always adored him, made gifts for him, etc. and she is crushed.
We are pretty hurt, too, since he never mentioned this when he asked my husband to MC the reception. We talked to him and he was very blunt and curt, with a “deal-with-it” attitude, and has no help to offer on where our daughter is supposed to be for 3 nights! Obviously we can’t leave her at home or with friends for such a long time, or by herself in a hotel room in a strange city for 3 nights, or with a stranger with her in the hotel room – no way.
When we declined the invitation, saying it was impossible for us to attend, our friend said he was angry and hurt! Boy, weddings can cause some bad feelings, I think everybody ought to elope and use the wedding money for a fabulous honeymoon!
I really think it is up to the individuals in the situation, personally I think weddings are a good excuse to leave the kids at home for the night and have a really fun night off with friends and family, as that is pretty rare – not that we don’t love our kids!
I would hope that if you did invite kids then the parents of those kids would be aware of them and ensure they don’t disrupt the proceedings too much or too annoyingly.
I think that kids should be allowed at weddings. They end up being funny and make for great memories.
I think kids should be allowed. My niece is getting married and no children under 18 is allowed, my other sisters kids just turned 18, but mine are still under so they cant go and it’s a far away affair. I have 5 sisters and only my children wont be able to attend. It really tends to complicate things too much and I dont feel like even going.
It’s tricky – when the couple getting married are in their late 20s and 30s their friends will often have young children and babies and it just isn’t right to invite them or to bring them. Crying babies and kids running around can really take some of the sheen away from what should be a magical day.
My brother just got married on 7/31 and I skipped his wedding because he said it was an “adult only affair” but everyone that could watch my kids (10 & 12) were going to the wedding. He tried to give them “jobs” in the wedding (wanted my 10 year old daughter to roll out the carpet for the bride’s 16 year old daughter to walk on) in order to justify their presence there. He didn’t ask me about them participating in the wedding until the day before! I was royally ticked off — he tried to turn my kids into performing oompa-loompas just so we can have the privilege of going to his wedding. Brother or no brother… no thank you! (and I told him that in so many words)
I understand people not wanting kids in the church as they can be distracting, but outside of that they are so good for wedding photos and they really bring emotions and fantastic expressions out of people for the more candid shots.
My situation…
My parents are paying for the wedding and requested that no kids (other than the 4 involved in the wedding party) attend. My hubby-to-be comes from a country where there they don’t do formal expensive weddings. They usually get married at court and have a casual reception at the house with everyone. Well our formal wedding is in 2 months and we had to break the news to his cousins (with 5 kids) that only the kids involved in the ceremony are attending. Clearly they were insulted because now none of them are coming (even the grandmother of the kids who is my hubby’s aunt). Oh yea…and they pulled the flower girl out of the wedding. They won’t even return our calls. My parents are hosting the wedding so i am trying to respect their ONLY wish. I am beyond ticked off at them because in my opinion what they are doing is childish and petty. That day is supposed to be about celebrating our marriage not their kids.
My step-brother is having an “ADULT ONLY” wedding soon. I am so saddened that my 13 yr. old can’t be there to see his Uncle get married. We couldn’t wait for him to propose to his girlfriend, we were so excited when he finally did. Now we — my Hubby, my teen and I, as a family have decided that we’re not attending since our teen can’t go. I will respect their wishes, but I don’t think that I will feel close to him or his fiance. I have never gone to a wedding without kids being there, how odd that would be. They’re part of the family and our future. If they, kids/ teens, do not ever attend things that they need to have manners at, then how will they learn how to act in those situations? How will they feel about that family member that excluded them?
All the weddings that I’ve been too were ruined by young children.
Friend 1 had a baby coo and cry during her vows. It’s “mother” just sat there.
Friend 2 had children running around her reception and almost knocked a pot of hot coffee out of a waitress’ hand, in addition to doing cartwheels in the walkway.
Friend 3 had a baby fuss all through her ceremony as well.
Weddings are sacred events that cost thousands. Why ruin months of planning over a child?
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